so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
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