Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
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Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
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I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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