Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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