by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
