He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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