hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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