Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
