I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
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