oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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