i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Randomize
