so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
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