We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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