i already hear my dad disowning me
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
