Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Would you object to my putting the bidet video on my Facebook page? It;s awesome.
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Randomize
