There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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