The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Couch. On fire.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
