i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I could fuck to npr.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize
