ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
23 Fathers Confess The Best Way They’ve Messed With Their Daughter’s Boyfriend
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
25 Children of Helicopter Parents Admit The Most Horrible Thing They Were Put Through
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Randomize
