3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
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well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
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The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.