Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
