started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
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