then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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