I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Never underestimate the power of titties
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