I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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