She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"