The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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