Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I puked a lego.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
