if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
