note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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