just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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