im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
