All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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