We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
What drink are we having for lunch?
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
