phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
You took a bar mat shot.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Randomize
