Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Randomize
