I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
