I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
