I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
