i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
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I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I use my feet as sexual weapons
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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