Betty ford says i'm here all night
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
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