me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
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I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
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Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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