I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
