Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
I wish there were birth control emojis
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
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