On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
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