and next time when you feel me up, do it right
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
