i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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