I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
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