Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Randomize
