Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize
