Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Randomize
