If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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