I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
