My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
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