Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
