I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
