So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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