Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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